Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
