I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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