I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
