I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
