i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sarcasm needs its own font
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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