Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
