OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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