Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
