No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
