I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
