My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i dont even know how to be here
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
