But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
