I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
