Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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