Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
