WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
