I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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