my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
there is glitter all over my balls
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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