i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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