I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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