I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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