Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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