I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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