I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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