I didn't shave. On purpose
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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