I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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