Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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