i jhust puked up my retainher.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
