So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
