I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
