ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He better not be in your backpack
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
