i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
