Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
