Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
