Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
