I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
