Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
