the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
