Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
