Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if only i could text you this smell
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
