It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
