My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
