What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
