i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
