I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
