How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
