she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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