Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
