I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There r osticjed everywhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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