Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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